Bowling Green Men’s Basketball Dedicates Remaining Games to Victims of Campus Massacre

Satire

In a show of solidarity with the campus at large, the Bowling Green men’s basketball team is dedicating the remainder of its season to the countless victims of the scant described Bowling Green Massacre.

“We can’t imagine doing nothing for those people,” said sophomore forward Edwin James, who says he feels like he’s living on borrowed time following his safe escape from the massacre. “This campus, this community, we’re in this together.”

Not everything has been planned, but Bowling Green athletic director Reevus Boss says games will start with a PSA asking anyone who has information about the massacre to call campus police.

The massacre happened at an unknown time on an unknown date at an unknown location.

The massacre made headlines when President Donald Trump counselor Kellyane Conway referenced it in defense of the Trump administration’s travel ban. Bowling Green students and faculty frantically combed social media to learn when tragedy struck their beloved campus. Many are still confused.

That ignorance is not going to stop head coach Dan Toyer’s team from recognizing the pain felt by the families and friends of those who were lost at the hands of the assailant(s).

“Quite frankly, I don’t care who acknowledges it and who doesn’t,” said Toyer. “This team is going to rally behind our campus and let the student body know we won’t stand for anything like that again.”

Toyer says he’s offered his services to university police to combat any future attacks, including those perpetrated by grizzly bears.

Still, not every Bowling Green basketball player is quite sure what they’re dedicating the rest of their games to.

When sophomore guard Tyus Poker heard about the massacre, he immediately texted his parents to let them know he was OK and in a safe place off campus.

“They said, ‘That’s great, honey, have a good day.’ I thought that was a little strange,” said Poker. “I thought they would have been a little happier.”

Poker says he has no issue with the dedication, even if the details of the massacre are fuzzy.

According to Poker, although many of his teammates feel lost, they’re going to stick up for their campus and for their coach, who told them in a team meeting that he plans to win a game for each victim.

Mid-Atlantic Conference teams traveling to Bowling Green have acknowledged they will also show their solidarity with the campus body.

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